Nicky Kriel | Communication Coach | Master NLP Practitioner | Speaker | Empowering you to reach your true potential

The stone in the river

Posted on April 23, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Photograph by Dave Fischer

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived on a barren farm with his brothers and sisters.

Life was hard and the children had no toys, but only had each other and what they could find on the land to entertain themselves.

Luckily for the boy, they lived near a river where there plenty of pretty coloured rocks and pebbles to find and they used to collect them. Sometimes he used to skim the stones across the water and sometimes he used to take them home and dump them on the floor with all the other pebbles the children collected.

One day, his mother noticed that one of the pebbles he had collected caught the sun beautifully. Although she didn’t bother to pick it up or look more closely at it, it made enough of an impression on her to mention it to her neighbour.

Her neighbour was curious and came over to visit to see the stone. At first they couldn’t find it because it wasn’t in the pile of pebbles, one of the children had rolled it away in the yard. After a bit of looking they found it in the dust. The neighbour was impressed enough to offer to buy the pretty stone from the farmer’s wife. “It’s just a stone, take it”, she said.

The neighbour was curious about the stone and one day when a visiting trader was passing by, he persuaded him to take the stone to have it identified and see whether it had any worth.

Most of the people the trader showed it to said that it was a topaz and that nobody would pay anything for it. Eventually, someone suggested it might be a diamond because it cut glass and it was on a bet that the stone was send to an expert who lived a long way away.

The trader thought so little of the stone that it was sent in an unsealed envelope by the regular post cart.

That stone was a 21 and a quarter carat diamond!

The year was 1867 and the expert wrote that there must be more diamonds in the area where the diamond was found and yet it took a few years for the diamond rush to take place in Kimberley, South Africa, but that’s another story.

Are you the little boy, who didn’t recognise the diamond among his stones because he wasn’t expecting anything of value to come into his hands? He was poor, why would he expect that something he had just picked up had any value. I wonder how many diamonds he may have skimmed across the water, dismissing them as yet another pebble. How many diamonds have you had in your possession that you haven’t bothered to think about?

Are you the mother, who recognised that this stone was different from any of the others, but couldn’t be bothered to even pick it up and put it a safe place? Have you had a flash of inspiration, but done nothing about it? Or noticed something, but not been curious enough to find out more? Have you passed on something incredibly valuable to someone else because you couldn’t see the value in it?

Are you the neighbour who’s instincts told him that there was something special about the stone? Would you have the ability to persuade someone to find out more about it? Or the patience to wait? It was just a stone, he didn’t rush off his farm and ride for miles to see an expert about it. He didn’t have the knowledge about stones, but had a strong gut reaction that this stone was unusual. Do you have the courage to trust your instincts?

Are you the trader, who could have easily flung the stone aside? Do you have the persistence to keep on asking even when people dismiss your diamond as valueless?

Are you the expert, who received a riverstone in an scruffy envelope? Would you know a diamond if it someone handed it to you? Do you always see the value of things that are presented to you in a careless way.

I think, if we are honest, there is a little bit of each character in us. Would you recognise an diamond in the rough? What do you think?

Posted in Business skills, personal development | Tagged diamond, diamond in the rough, personal development | 2 Comments

Networking etiquette for novices – Introductions

Posted on April 14, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Do you go to many networking events or are you still a networking novice?

I have been to many types of networking meetings. Each one has a slightly different format. If you are new to networking, it is always a good idea to check with the group leader what to expect before you get there.

Personally, I prefer networking groups where all the members get an opportunity to introduce themselves because you get to find out what everyone does. If you are just mingling you might just miss having a conversation with the one person who needs your services or can provide you with the service or products you are looking for.

So how do you introduce yourself to the group?

Keep to the time given - Before the event: Think about what you want to say and practice saying it out aloud. Get a feel for how long a minute is. Going over time annoys existing members and invariably, doesn’t add value. People zone out if you waffle on.
What to say - Say who you are, who you help and how you can help. Talk about your business and what services you offer not how you came to start up your business. You have a very short time, don’t waste talking it about personal stuff.
Focus on one thing - even if you do a number of things. If the group is large, by the time everyone has finished their introductions, people will struggle to remember what everyone does. By telling everyone about all the hats you wear, you become less memorable. You can elaborate after the formal introductions when you are chatting to people.
Don’t read a script verbatim - It is understandable that if you are slightly nervous, you might want a piece of paper for safety. Don’t put more that a few reminders of what you want to say. If you have to read out what you business is about, your credibility goes out the window. It’s your business - don’t you know?
Don’t use industry jargon - Keep it simple, just because you know what you are talking about doesn’t mean that everyone does. Quite a few people will be too embarassed to ask you, in case, it makes them look stupid and they might be the people who need you the most.

These are just a few tips for introducing yourself at networking meetings. Please let me know if you think they are helpful.

Posted in Business skills, communication | Tagged introductions, networking, speaking in public | 10 Comments

Uninspiring quotes

Posted on April 7, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Am I the only one frustrated by the lists of “Inspirational” quotes that flow past in my Twitter Stream or on Facebook? It is not that I am anti quotes. I actually like them. I find them very useful, but I think that giving a quote without telling us why you find it inspiring is lazy, hackneyed and uninspired.

Sometimes an inspiring quotation can be

witty
motivating
and memorable,

…but

I would much prefer to hear what you have to say in your words!

Why borrow from someone else when you could be creating your own words of wisdom?

Giving a quote out of context doesn’t mean anything more other than you can copy from others. Give the quote, by all means, but tell me why you find it inspiring, interesting or intriguing. I love hearing other people’s thoughts, often it helps trigger ideas, gives a different perspective or helps me understand.

Now it’s your turn. Tell me what you think. Maybe you can even find a quote as a comment!

Posted in personal development | Tagged creative, Facebook, inspirational quotes, inspire, Twitter | 11 Comments

From Tweet to Toastmasters Club

Posted on April 2, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

It started with a Tweet….Well actually, it didn’t, it started with a dream, but Twitter played a big role in Farnham Speakers Club starting.

For a while the thought of starting a Toastmasters International Club in Farnham had been mulling in my mind. I do a lot of networking in the Farnham area and in most networking groups and I had noticed how difficult some business owners found it to stand up and introduce their business to the group.

How confident are you at getting up to speak in front of twenty to thirty people?

For some people the idea of speaking in public is nerve wracking and stress inducing. At most networking meetings there are always the people who are so nervous they write everything down and bury their face in the paper reading the words verbatim. Or they make you feel uncomfortable because you are aware about how painful the experience is for them. When someone is really nervous, you pay more attention to their discomfort than what they are saying.

I am a member of Guildford Speakers Club which is part of Toastmasters International.

Now, in England, the word “Toastmasters” is associated with people in red coats who call everyone to order at weddings and corporate events, but the Toastmasters I belong to is about gaining confidence through public speaking.

Joining Toastmasters was probably one of best decisions, I have ever taken. There are very few places where people will spend more time telling you what you are doing right than what you are doing wrong. It is amazing how many people I have watched blossom and grow in confidence just because they are developing a skill in speech making.

Anyhow, I think you can guess I am a bit evangelical about spreading the word.

So back to Farnham, I made the decision I wanted to found a club, but how would I know if there was any interest in one in Farnham?

So I tweeted and asked people, ”Who would be interested if I started up a speaker club?”. There would be no point if there was no interest.
At least 20 people tweeted back that they were interested. In fact, I was tweeting about it so much that people started to ask what date it was starting, oops!

Look at Farnham Speakers Club's stunning venue.

I didn’t have a venue. So guess what? I tweeted that I need a venue.
A number of people came back with useful suggestions. One of the venues that a few people suggested came back with a very steep price.
Toastmaster is a not for profit organisation and the aim is to keep the membership fees as affordable as possible.
Then I had a stroke of luck, someone who I have never met in person, but only know through Twitter, decided to help me find a venue and she negotiated on a price with the venue on our behalf that was half the original asking price.

So we had a venue and a date was set. Then some lovely things started happening:

I asked on Twitter if anyone had pictures of Farnham that they would mind us using for our website and James Firth volunteered and also agreed to be our photographer for our opening night.
A friend who I knew through both Twitter and networking volunteered her mother who was the mayor of Waverley to attend our opening night because she knew I was looking for someone.
Unfortunately, no hot celebrities volunteered their services, but it was fun dreaming and tweeting about who we could get.
A single tweet secured me an interview on BBC Surrey radio show to talk about Farnham Speakers.

We had our first meeting and within seven months we chartered which means we are now an official member of Toastmasters International with over twenty members.

And yes, many of our members came initially to our club because they saw me tweeting about it.

Farnham Speakers opening night - photograph courtesy of James Firth

There was a lot of work that went into creating a lively, fun and supportive club. It was about a year from making the decision “Just do it” at an officer club training meeting to chartering, but my stroke of inspiration was collecting a great committee together to get Farnham Speakers off the ground. We have also been very lucky to have the support of local Toastmaster clubs who helped fill roles initially and visit regularly as a result we have a high standard at our club. It is our members who make our meetings buzzy and welcoming.

It has been a brilliant learning experience and it is sooooooo tempting to do it again, I even have another place in mind, but I will not Tweet about it just yet!

Posted in Business skills, public speaking, Social Media | Tagged Farnham Speakers Club, Guildford Speakers, nervous about public speaking, toastmasters, Toastmasters International | 17 Comments

Why I don’t like affirmations

Posted on March 10, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Last night I went to a Toastmasters meeting. It’s contest time and it’s nice to move around local clubs. While the contestants were out of the room, someone got up for an audience participation exercise. What happened next left me cringeing:

Now I know her intention was good and she wanted share positive thinking with everyone, but I found her exercise in personal development slightly inappropriate.

In the first part of the exercise she told us that we should take a negative that we say about ourselves in the mirror and turn it into a positive. Ok…..

Now, the room was full of people who had gathered together for the contest. The first thing about doing personal development work is that you need to ask the person’s permission to make the change. It is all very well being enthusiastic, but foisting your belief systems on someone else is not going make them change. People make changes when they are ready to make changes.

Secondly, if you expect people to be open to changing belief systems, you have to create a safe atmosphere of trust first. A minute or so’s introduction to the topic and then expecting everyone to get to their feet and reveal their inner most secrets to a room full of people is not realistic.

Toastmasters are generally game for anything, so everyone took something that they felt they couldn’t do and were funny and witty about saying that they could do it. Everyone was laughing and there was a good atmosphere. Being able to openly laugh at something you feel you can’t do was good; or so I thought. We were all told off for laughing at ourselves and each other. The pleasant atmosphere evaporated. We were told that we should be saying the positive form or affirmation (which we didn’t believe in) with conviction and really believing in it!!!!!!

This is the danger of affirmations. Making a statement about something you don’t believe is NOT going to change your belief systems.

Imagine you are overweight. You stand in front of the mirror and say the positive affirmation of “I am thin“. What happens? A little voice in your head will pop into you head and say “No, you are not!” Saying “I am thin” thousands of times is not going to make you start believing it. You are more likely to create inner conflict with yourself. Your little voice in your head will become louder. If you find you still don’t believe the positive affirmation, you may even start beating yourself up about how weak-willed you are! It was supposed to be easy: Just say it enough times with conviction and you will start believing, you have been told. So what do you say to yourself when you still can’t change your thoughts?

Affirmations can work if they don’t create an inner conflict. So for example, saying “I have lovely eyes” may help you towards having more positive thoughts about yourself. And once you get used to seeing something positive about yourself and feel confident saying it, you can address areas that you feel more neutral about and think of them more positively. Alternatively you could take a body part that you hate and starting thinking about it in a neutral way.

I have had affirmations written out for me by lovely well meaning people and been told that I need to say them 20 times a day. What?! It is like being written out a prescription to all your life’s problems by someone who has no idea of your inner thoughts.

Anyway, back to last night. The second part of was even worse and had the person sitting next to me writing “Help me” on her paper. All the contestants who had just taken part in the competition were told to stand up and say that they were the best contestant. They were a bit puzzled, but good-naturedly, stood up and said that they were the best and gave delightful, flippant answers to justify their answer. Instead of being rewarded for their bravado, they were reprimanded for feeling the need to justify the statement!!!!

The person then told us that we all should be able to look in the mirror and say we are sexy and beautiful. Some unfortunate soul made the mistake of saying “That’s easy for you to say” and he was dragged up to the front and not allowed to leave until he had declared to the whole meeting that he was attractive and sexy.

Personal development on steroids!

Belief systems don’t change simply because someone stands up and tells you to think differently. We can change our belief systems and it is wonderful seeing a client transform themselves by changing a belief that was holding them back. If you are a coach, please don’t give the rest of us coaches a bad name. And never ask me do an affirmation.

Posted in personal development, Positive Thinking | Tagged affirmations, personal development | 5 Comments

The “Just being Glad” game

Posted on March 6, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Hayley Mills won a special Oscar for her perfomance of Pollyanna in Disney's 1960's adaptation.

When was the last time you read a book that you first read as a child? It is an interesting experience. As a child, I read books to find out the story. As an adult, I read the same books to hear their message. At the moment I am rereading Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter, which was published in 1913. I thought I would share the “Just being glad” game with you, in case, you need reminding.

Pollyanna has just arrived at her stern aunt’s house after her father has died. Despite her aunt’s wealth, she has been put in a tiny, barren attic room at the top of the house and she has been told never to speak of her father again. She explains the game to Nancy, who is her aunt’s servant and has been a friendly face since she arrived. She tells her that she was taught the game by her father when she was hoping for a doll and received a pair of crutches in a missionary barrel.

“Oh, yes; the game was to just find something about everything to be glad about – no matter what ’twas,” rejoined Pollyanna, earnestly. “And we began right then – on the crutches.”

“Well goodness me! I can’t see anythin’ ter be glad about – gettin’ a pair of crutches when you wanted a doll!”

Pollyanna clapped her hands.

“There is – there is,” she crowed. “But I couldn’t see it either, Nancy, at first,” she added, with quick honesty. “Father had to tell it to me.”

“Well, then, suppose YOU tell ME,” almost snapped Nancy.

“Goosey! Why, just be glad because you don’t- NEED-’EM!” exulted Pollyanna, triumphantly. “You see it’s just as easy – when you know how!”

Nancy thinks she is a bit odd, but Pollyanna insists that the harder it is, the more fun it is. Nancy then challenges her to find something good to say about the attic room. Pollyanna admits she found it hard at first, but then found it a relief that there was no mirror so she didn’t have to look at herself and the fact that there were no pictures meant that she noticed the scene outside framed by the window.

“You see, when you’re hunting for the glad things, you sort of forget the other kind – like the doll, you wanted, you know.”

If a lonely, grieving girl can find things to be pleased about, so can YOU. Wouldn’t it be great to have a Pollyanna attitude in life?

Think back in the last week, did something happen that you weren’t happy about? Spend a bit of time thinking about it and find a way you can be glad that it happened. What negative things can you change into a positive just by thinking about it differently?

Posted in Positive Thinking | Tagged Eleanor H. Porter, just being glad game, Pollyanna, the glad game | 3 Comments

Why you should hug a stranger

Posted on February 27, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Have you thought about hugging a stranger? Okay, not necessarily a physical hug, but at least a virtual hug. Have you thought about what effect it would have if we all showed a little bit of love to our fellow human beings?

Confession time: I am one of those weird people who talk to people on the tube. My children have given up being embarrassed about me talking to people I don’t know waiting in a queue at Sainsbury’s or on a street corner. Why do I do it? Because it makes me happy. Sometimes it is the small things that make a difference to someone’s day. Never underestimate the power of a simple smile.

Think about how it feels when a stranger gives you the few pennies you are short for the parking meter. Think about when someone stopped to help you find your way. Think about how it feels when someone shows that care about you as a person.

There is no point in blaming “Society” or “modern living” or the “21st Century” for people feeling increasingly isolated. The question is what are you going to do to change things? What can you do to make the difference in your world? What impact can you make by simply being nice without expecting something in return?

Here are some different ways you can hug a stranger:

Physically hug them – When last did you get a hug and when last did you give a hug? You might want to start by hugging people that you know first, if you are not used to hugging. See the “Free Hugs” YouTube video at the bottom of this post for a powerful demonstration of the effect of a simple physical touch.
Random Acts of kindness – Carry out an act of kindness without expecting anything back. It is fun to surprise a complete stranger with an unexpected gift of caring. It can be as simple as helping someone carry their bags across the street or sending a thank you card. If you need ideas there is even a website dedicated to Random Acts of Kindness.
Smiling – We are hardwired to smile back when someone smiles at you. Smiling is literally contagious. Test it out for yourself: Smile at strangers and see how many smile back and how it makes you feel.
Talking and Listening – Give someone the gift of your time. We are fellow human beings; we have a lot in common with each other even if it is just about the weather. Find something to say to open a conversation with a stranger. It is far more interesting than pretending you can’t see them or staring into space while you are waiting.
Virtual hugs – Even if you can’t see the person you can share a bit of love using social media. Send a friend on Facebook a virtual hug if their update shows they are low. Tell someone on Twitter that they are special. Leave a nice comment on someone’s blog (and yes, every time someone leaves a comment on mine, it makes me smile!)

Other related articles

5 Reasons to Smile

5 Reasons to be Happy

Posted in Positive Thinking | Tagged caring, free hugs, happy, random acts of kindness | 7 Comments

Earthquakes and metaphors

Posted on February 22, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

This morning, I woke up to news of the Christchurch Earthquake. I have family in Christchurch and I wonder how they are. A photograph that really hit home was the crumbled spire of Christchurch Cathedral. A few years ago, I stood at the doorway with my mother’s cousin and my children. It became more real to me. It made me think of a whole load of things.

How certain news stories have a greater impact on me than others
About distant family – my mother is from New Zealand.
About natural disasters and how it must feel like living in a geograhically unstable zone of the world
About techtonic plates (I am fascinated about geomorphology!)
About metaphors

Now, you may wonder what metaphors and earthquakes have to do with each other. Well, this morning I was going to blog about metaphors for a workshop I am doing and how they can create shifts in your way of thinking. An earthquake couldn’t be a bigger metaphor! So often we use the earth as a metaphor for stability. We talk about being solid as a rock and becoming grounded. So what happens when the ground you are walking on literally shakes? When something you took as a constant is not as fixed as you thought? Is the effect of an earthquake, just physical or does it send shockwaves emotionally, too?

In theory, we know that the earth is changing constantly, from simple erosion to great seismic shifts. Have you ever been to a natural history museum, where they have fast forwarded time to show how landscapes change? Mountains get folded, rivers change course and islands get created from volcanic eruptions on the ocean floor. Yet, it feels unchanging.

An earthquake is a dramatic event. It creates devastation, lives get lost and homes are destroyed. Landmarks that have been around for over a hundred years crumble. The rumble will need to be cleared and the city and lives will get rebuilt. And people will continue to live there.

You may not have experienced an earthquake, but have you had an experience that has shaken you to the core? Have you ever felt the earth open up underneath your feet? Have you ever had a great shift in thinking that has changed the course of your life?

The earthquake has made me think. Has it made you think?

My love and thoughts go out to all those affected by the Christchurch Earthquake.

Posted in personal development | Tagged Christchurch earthquake, earth, earthquake, metaphors, shockwaves, tremors | 6 Comments

Why new ideas often get rejected

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Nicky Kriel

Have you had a great idea rejected because it was too novel? Have you rejected an idea because you it didn’t fit into your way of thinking? The chances are that you will be able to answer “yes” to both of these questions. A short time ago, I was given a challenge. Dawn Brewer asked me to write about the concept that “New ideas always get rejected”.

It got me thinking! Personally, I don’t like the idea of “always” so I have changed the topic to “Why new ideas often get rejected“. I also believe that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves and sometimes when we change our own thinking and behaviour it has positive influence on others.

Why you reject your own new ideas

It is very easy to blame other people for not accepting your idea, but have you thought how many of your own ideas you are rejecting? Our brain processes a tremendous amount of information. In order for us to make sense of the world we learn to create patterns and filter out information. We create rules for ourselves. Once we have learnt a set of rules on a conscious level we move to our subconscious.

Think about when you learnt to drive. Can you remember how many things you had to think about? How did it feel? Now think of the last time you drove. Were you conscious of any of these things or did you just get into the car and drive?

Patterns and generalisations can be helpful. Imagine if you had to learn the names of everything, every day when you woke up. It is said that out of the 80,000 thoughts we have each day, 60,000 are exactly the same as yesterday. The problem is once we have a pattern it is hard to break out of it. When a new idea pops into our head, what do we do? We evaluate it with how it fits in with our map of reality. If the idea is too different we filter it out and ignore it. Often the idea has to pop our head several times before we pay attention to it. Only once it starts becoming familiar to us as a new idea, do we recognise it.

So how do you use this, when you are trying to get a new idea across to someone else? Repeated exposure of a new idea makes it more familiar and more acceptable, so don’t give up if the idea is rejected at first, it might just be too new.

How adaptable are you to change?

It is easy to think you are adaptable to change, but how often do you make big changes in your life? Some people make changes all the time, they might forever be changing jobs, buying new gadgets or changing their wardrobe or their home environment. Other people live in the same neighbourhood they grew up in or have been in the same job for over a decade. The word “New” is exciting for some people and scary for others.

If you look at the graph below which is Rogers Diffusion of Innovation Model, you will see only a small percentage of people will be quick to adopt something new. Where would you put yourself? It may be different for different areas in your life.

So how can you use this? There are a small percentage of the population who will make changes incredibly fast; using words, like new and innovative will be motivating for them. If the person you are selling your idea to is one of these people, you should tell them how different your idea is from anything else.

However, the majority of people are slower at making changes. What works better for most people is telling them how your idea is the same as something they already know, but better. Comparing your idea with concept that they already know will reassure them before explaining how your idea is an improvement.

When are you receptive to new ideas?

If you think about when you are more likely to accept someone else’s ideas, you will probably find it was when you are relaxed and feel unthreatened. When you present your ideas to others, are they always in the best possible state to be receptive to hearing them? Put yourself in their shoes. When would be the best time to speak to them and what would you need to say?

Where do great ideas come from?

When I was thinking about this topic, I came across this great video and I thought I would share it with you.

Why do you think that new ideas get rejected and do you have some helpful hints to help other people get their idea accepted? I would love you to leave your comments below.

Posted in communication, personal development, Relationships, Retweet | Tagged new ideas, nlp | 3 Comments

Nicky Kriel | Communication Coach | Master NLP Practitioner | Speaker